10/25/84

We Armenians are natural born orators.  I defy anyone who can say that they know 
an Armenian who can’t give a speech.  When it comes to dialogue, Armenians are 
eloquent–yet with all of these qualities, we have the most difficult time 
communicating with each other.

I had wondered about this for some time so last year I did some extensive 
research on this matter and what I wound up with is startling, to say the least.

When an Armenian engages in conversation with other Armenians, he subconsciously 
realizes he is being graded.  It is because of this undefined, but existing 
influence that he struggles deliberately for a better choice of words and an 
extravagant delivery.  I have taped and monitored hundreds of informal 
conversations and speeches from casual conversations on world politics to 
an acknowledgment speech of happiness at a family doctor.  In all cases, 
without reservation, what seemed to generate the most impact were the elaborate 
phrases and how majestically they were projected.  I have also found that 
all reactions, whether in the form of simple rebuttals to a controversial 
statement, or a compliment for a speech well given, were equally as eloquent.

I have had countless interviews with non-Armenians who were witness to Armenians 
in conversation and those giving speeches.  In all such interviews, with no 
exceptions, the general consensus was that only a genius could understand an 
Armenian, therefore all Armenians must be geniuses.  

In the course of my research I visited several board of trustee meetings at 
Armenian churches and on each member I had special sensing devices taped to 
their temples, breasts, and wrists.  These sensors were plugged into a 
sophisticated machine that recorded thought stimulus as well as physical 
responses such as blood pressure, heartbeat, body temperature, etc., along 
with taped simultaneous conversations that were occurring with these recorded 
patterns.  The machine verified, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that after 
someone started speaking, everyone present stopped listening and started 
thinking of how effectively they could counter what was being said. 

In summary, then, according to my findings, Armenians though eloquent in speech 
and conversation, nurse a deep-seated fear of being considered ignorant.  This 
is commonly known in the psychiatric field as the “Mini-Menta Syndrome.”  
Though common, it is only known to exist in one out of a thousand.  To the 
best of my knowledge, according to my preliminary findings, it has never been 
known to exist in a total race of people.  In view of these findings and at a 
great risk to my personal safety, I turned my findings over to a renowned 
psychiatric team for further analysis.  Here is the message in their letter as 
I received it.

1.  Armenians should not give speeches or get into extended dialogue unless it’s 
absolutely necessary.

2.  Armenians should use from one to six letter words as opposed to seven to 
twenty-two letter words at a ratio of forty-six to one.

3.  If they’re left-handed, they should write with their right and if they’re 
right-handed, they should use their left.

Well, there it is – - a brilliant summary of a brilliant year-and-a half’s work.  
If anyone desires more detail in this matter, come to the formal conference of 
the Armenian Liberation League of Silicone Valley, 2:00 P.M. on November 13, 1984 
at the Wallinford Inn.  I will be giving a speech there.  I can’t elaborate 
more at this writing because it’s hard for me to write left-handed.

Sincerely,

Hovsep Medzpairahnyan