Dear Hovsep - Our priest is causing some furor around town. At social functions he drinks excessively, and gets very carefree in manner, especially with the ladies. Our church allows our priest to marry, and he has a wife and four kids. Don't you think it's disgraceful, and what should we do? Disillusioned Lady Churchgoer ********* Dear Disillusioned, If I were a priest, I'd think you were talking about me! ********************************* Dear Hovsep, What makes you so smart? I read your column everyday and I can't get over how stupid your response is to some very sad situations. I think you stink. How long do you think You can get away with it? A. Sane Samaritan ********* Dear A.S.S., As long as Jacks like you respond! ********************************* Dear Hovsep, I read your column religiously and am writing to you in regard to those overweight people who constantly write you about their social problems. I'm a plumpy wumpy and I make no bones about it. I've made a lot of friends and I've lost a few. I think that, overall, I'm way ahead. Being fat's not bad. I'd love to hear your comments. Superfluous Lovely ********* Dear Superfluous, No you wouldn't! ********************************* Dear Hovsep, Older people are sure tough to understand. You can't reason with them, they know all the answers. I try my best to get along with them, what's the key? Turning Blue ********* Dear Turning, As an older person. I can't get along with them either! Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep, What kind of advice would you give a person like me? I have a beautiful house, beautiful children, my personal chauffeured car, maid, yet still I'm not happy. I feel like there is more to living than just this. Affluent Discorder ********* Dear Affluent, Drive 40 miles away from home and walk home in your bare feet! Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep, I married very late in life, but am fortunate to say I have a good husband, except -- he sleeps with one eye open. He told me how while he was in the French Foreign Legion, that during the "Death Watch," if you didn't sleep with one eye open, you wouldn't see the sun rise. I think no lesser of him for being as he is, but psychologically it's very unsettling to know you're being stared at with one eye open all night long. It's been six months since I've enjoyed a good night's rest. Lately, he's been getting very irritable and says I'm making too much out of nothing. Frankly, I don't know any more. Please help me. Mrs. Scared Stiff ********* Dear Mrs. Stiff, Very simple. Try sleeping on different nights! Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep, I've only been married a month, and already I'm in trouble. My mother-in-law is going around saying that I'm trying to poison her son, and it's true. For instance, I made my first tossed salad yesterday, and stupid as I am, I washed all the greens in dish soap. Midway through our dinner, bubbles started coming out of my husband's mouth. Need I say more? The roof came down. I started crying, and to make matters worse, sudes were coming out of my eyes and mose. To make a long story short, my young marriage has been one such incident after another. Please help me! Sinking Fast ********* Dear Sinking, Try eating out for a while, say for about ten years! Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep, Our church is one of those old-fashioned country types. We have a good congregation, but when summer comes the attendance drops off. The place isn't air-conditioned and with a large turnout, I'm sorry to say, it starts to smell like a gymnasium. A man that writes like your must be a loyal churchgoer. Can we let our discomfort overpower our sacred obligations? Celestial Sojourner ********* Dear Celestial, Right church, wrong peee-ew!