Dear Hovsep: My woman says I have too many bad habits. I smoke, chew tobacco, drink and cuss. These she claims are my most obvious faults, but besides all that, I don’t bathe often enough, don’t change linen enough, don’t shave every day, let my hair grow too long, don’t use deodorants, or other sweet smelling things, and if you listen to her, she could go on for hours. So what’s with this woman, does she want a man or does she want some wishy-washy kind of guy? Good Old American Trooper ********* Dear G.O.A.T., That woman of yours is sure tough to live with, isn’t she? Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep, My wife ran away with a traveling salesman and left me with five small children. I lost my job because of a drinking problem. During a binge, I feel asleep with a lit cigarette and my house burned down. My homeowners policy lapsed and I have no money left to rebuild my home. My children were taken by the state, and I passed out on the street from booze. I was brought into General Hospital where I was told besides being alcoholic, I have sclerosis of the liver. I was about to slash my wrists with a razor blade I stole when I thought of your column. I’m writing to you in desperation. What do you think? Hanging By a Thread ********* Dear Hanging: If you slashes your wrists, who could blame you? Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep, My girl is an actiuve sportsperson. She skis, mountain climbs, and high dives. I’m fearful to do any of these things, but she insists that to capture her heart, I must get with it. What am I to do? Deathly Afraid ********* Dear Deathly, Negotiate with her, tell her you’ll do all those things if she’ll drop dead! Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep, I’m a cat lover and have no less than 23 cats in my house at present. My problem in writing to you is the rising cost of living. I live on welfare and find it’s getting harder and harder to take proper care of my loved ones. Can I apply for extra assistance? Live and Let Live ********* Dear Live, I don’t think you can get extra assistance, but you might try cooking a cat once in a while! Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep - Which sin is worse, lust or gluttony? Student of morals ********* Dear Student - Depends on which you enjoy most. Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep - When, oh when, are people going to learn how to live together, without hate, malice, or prejudice? A Transient Soul ********* Dear Transient - When people become extinct! Hovsep