Dear Hovsep -  

You are my only hope.   My husband of thirty-five years will not talk to me.  
He says I wear him out with my constant chatter and that if I want to communicate, 
I should write what I have to say on paper.  He feels even this is a waste, but 
oncedes it's necessary.  

To think that all of these years I've suffered and sacrified on his behalf, 
only to come to this, the lowest point in my life.  Forgive me if I sound 
despondent, but my whole being is being tested. Console me, dear friend, or 
guide me.  I am in desperate need.

Torn Asunder

*********

Dear Torn,

Do as your husband says; write to him on "Charmin."   You can say all you want 
and still put it to good use.   

Hovsep   

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Dear Hovsep,  

I have no mother and father.  I was completely produced in a laboratory as part 
of a genetic research program.  I have an inbred affection for laboratory 
equipment, and as such keep a vast array of test tubes in my apartment, which I 
affectionately hug and kiss every chance I get.  

Recently, I met a beautiful girl who I feel in love with.   I want to marry her, 
but she wants to meet my family.  What shall I do?  

Fruit of the Loom

*********

Dear Fruit, 
I think you should talk to your druggist!

Hovsep

                        *********************************

Dear Hovsep,

I plan to construct a shed in my backyard.   I plan to use weather-proof plywood 
fastened together with two-penny nails.  

How does this sound?  

Ingenious Do-It-Yourselfer

*********

Dear Ingenious, 

O.K.  But pay a little more for the nails!




                        *********************************

Dear Hovsep,

I have a problem that may eventually break up my home.  I can't stay away from the 
refrigerator.  At my last weigh-in, I tipped the scales at 312 pounds.  When I 
go out, I'm in a panic; I can't wait to get home to my refrigerator.

Please advise me.

Full but Empty

*********

Dear Full but Empty,

When you go out, take the refrigerator with you!

Hovsep



                        *********************************

Dear Hovsep,

My husband is a gentle soul.  We've been married for 27 years and I've never heard 
him use profane language.  Last night he was in the basement hammering away when I 
heard a dull thud, a howl, followed by, "Ohh bananas."  Later, he came up and his 
thumb was swollen, so he immersed it in cold water and refused to talk for the 
rest of the evening.  

Its been bothering me since, because I felt I could have helped him if he let me.  
I don't want to be an ornament.  How can I get through to him?

Unfulfilled

*********

Dear Un,

How  would you react if he had said, "Ohh watermelon?"

Hovsep



                        *********************************

Dear Hovsep,

I love a woman who's been widowed five times.  Her last husband shot himself 
while she was doing the wash.  Gossip has it that she didn't investigate 
until she finished hanging all the clothes on the line.  

My friends are begging me to let her go.  I can't live without her.  

I await your response.

Torn with Love


*********

Dear Torn,

Marry her, but make sure I'm the beneficiary on all your insurance policies.