Dear Hovsep - Being a bachelor and living alone, I decided to improve my lot a few weeks ago. I went and leased an electro-mechanical computerized valet. With this amazing unit, one has only to program the chores and when you come home after a hard days work, everything is done for you. All was going well until it had a malfunction, and when I got home that evening, my clothes were drying in the refrigerator, my food was being spin dried, all the rubbish was in the clothes hamper, the rugs were mopped, the drapes were on the bed and the bedspread was hung in its place. I called service and they said that the sequencing switch had jammed up, and that the unit was running out of sync. This morning I woke up screaming. This fool machine was dragging me by the hair and was attempting to put me in the oven. I called service and was told the meat sensor was out of adjustment. My problem is that when the machine works well, life is beautiful, but when the machine breaks down, life is a nightmare. What do you think?? Medium Rare ********* Dear Medium, Some years back I think they used to call this marriage. Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep, My wife and mother are costantly at each other’s throat. I am torn between two loves. I can’t show affection for one without offending the other. Is there a solution to my problem? Loyal Husband Loving Son ********* Dear Loyal Loving, Do chickens have lips? ********************************* Dear Hovsep, Can a man with one eye, over sixty, and penniless, ever find love in this world? Please Help Me ********* Dear Please, Off the top of my head, I’d say, "No!" ********************************* Dear Hovsep, I have a beautiful front lawn and it seems to be the favorite place of every dog in the neighborhood. As many times as I tell the owners of the animals, it does no good. Please advise me. Irate ********* Dear Irate, Try barking! Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep - I’m giving a very smart luncheon next month and would like to exclude certain people from my guest list. I’m trying to give this thing at a very smart level and feel these people would distract from the atmosphere. How can I avoid calling these people? Befuddled ********* Dear Befuddled - Give two luncheons, one smart and one dumb! Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep - Last week at a bridge luncheon, one of the girls said I talked too much, so I recited her a poem my mother taught me. Mouths come is many forms, From very large to very small. It's better to have a big mouth, Than to have no mouth at all! How do you like the way I handled that trash picker? Fragile Filly ********* Dear Fragile, You sound like a very sweet girl! Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep, I've been married a month, and already my marriage is on the rocks. My mother-in-law is going around saying that I'm trying to poison her son, and it's true. For instance, after our honeymoon, we came back to our new apartment to live happily every after. My husband came home from the office and I had prepared a beautiful candlelight dinner for him. I met him at the door wearing a seductive night gown and gave hima long searching kiis on his lips. We sat down to dinner and started with the tossed salad, and stupid as I am, I had washed all the greens in dish soap before I cut them up. Midway through our dinner bubbles started coming out of my husband's mouth, and need I say more? The roof caved in. I started crying, and to make matters worse, suds were coming out of my eyes and nose. To make a long painful story short, my young marriage has been one such incident after another. Can't wait. Can Love, Can't Cook ********* Dear Can Love, Stick to the things you do best. Hovsep ********************************* Dear Hovsep, Do dogs have souls? UnLeashed ********* Dear Un, Before you call anyone a dog, look into the mirror -- you son of a bitch! Hovsep